If I had never given up writing, where would I be now? It's easy for me to scroll someone's instagram page in jealousy of the thing that I never actually worked for, comforting myself by saying my work is better even though it doesn't quite exist yet. My favorite thing about myself is my endurance when it isn't bogged down by arrogance. I'm a simple person. I go to work, I shower, I eat, I play Sims 4. What are you like, the person I was 4 years ago? Could you see us coming this short?
I read my own diary entries like they're a gospel song. It curbs my appetite in a way that food never has. If Ivy Wolk can do it, can't I?
Let's begin again. Older, yet dumber. I'm not afraid of using my words anymore. Or being disgusting. Let's be ourselves for once. I am the same person I was 4 years ago, but completely different also. It's a work in progress. Octavia Butler worked in a factory if memory serves me right, and would spend her free time writing. I know she's dead, but she is also one of the best writers I've ever read. Is it like an overconfident wish to be remembered or is it passion? I don't know if I ever actually felt that before. It seems like a movie trait, something that people say they have when they're putting up a front. I wonder if there is asexuality for emotions. Is there a word for numbness that has rooted itself in you, replacing who you are?
I want to write again, I know that. So why is it so damn hard? Why do I spend my free time comfortably, instead of using my brain, the little bits that actually work? What am I afraid of? I had so much arrogance 4 years ago. I had this confidence that drove me forward places unknown. I read my old poetry in amazement that my brain could have written that. I hope I don't give up again. I'm tired of wasting my brain and the thoughts that run through it. I have so much to say and little outlet. Why do I do this to myself? I know I am good at it. Why don't I just sit down and work sometimes? Even if it isn't "fun." I'm so grateful that I have this gift. Or am I, if I don't actually use it? Is it a gift, or is it something I built for myself?
In the Sims, if you have built up a skill, you don't lose it over time. I don't think that's a mimicry of life. Use it, or lose it. Muscles and the brain is one. Write, read, shit, eat. Don't get arrogant. Use your mind like the tool it is.
